Crap!

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So why did I start a blog on here when I haven’t really done much with the blog I have at Blogspot?  Because I don’t always do things very intelligently I guess.  But here I am.  Let’s see if I can keep this thing up, let’s see  if it will encourage me to write more often and let’s see if anyone cares.

I’ll start off light and larky –  me and my mortality.  The past couple of weeks I’ve had some significant bouts of depression or anxiety or anxiety induced depression or depression induced anxiety or, as my dad might call it, being a wussy.  During these weeks, if I experience a physical pain or discomfort (i.e, a sore back, a slightly tweaked pectoral muscle) my thoughts race to “you’re body is likely riddled with cancer” or something else awful.  This then triggers the “wow, I’ll die sooner than expected and what have I done with my life?”  Which leads directly into “people will say “he wasted his life, he blew his potential” if they are to say anything at all.”

Now its fair to say that perhaps I do have some illness besides being a self indulgent drama queen.  Hopefully I do not.  No real point in stressing till I go to the doctor, which I will soon.  But either way, my mental state could be the result of living out of a suitcase and a carry-on bag since the middle of September.  Add to that the fact that while so “living” I have slept on inflatable beds and couches almost exclusively and am feeling particularly un-moored.  And, and lets not forget this, I’m turning 40 in the spring.  Single.  Unmarried.  No house.  No kids.  And I’m an actor recently relocated to NYC.

So mortality.  Yep.  Been thinking about when it ends, and it will end, what has it meant.  What have I done?  What am I doing?  What’s it for?

I know, I sound like an emo teen.  I never contemplated that stuff as a teen, I was too busy trying to please my parents and the deity known to me then as “God” and being generally repressed.  Now, as I approach Middle Age these swirling thoughts can induce a bit of anxiety, some mild panic and a bit of “holy crap what am I doing?”

I’m starting to think about love.  Perhaps that’s why I should try and find someone and make it work.  I’ve been great at dating but not at maintaining a relationship – for so many, many reasons.  But now I’m thinking, “if I had someone, I’d have something.”  I know, that’s not a good reason – looking for someone to “complete me.”  I’m not saying I’ll do it, I’m just saying that with nothing concrete in my world, for some reason I’m thinking of settling down, starting a foundation.  With who?  That’s a good question.  If you review the stats about my life I laid out just above, I’m a “fixer-upper” at best.

I’m hoping next week settles me: I move into my apartment and start looking into my survival jobs and acting like an adult.  I’ll also go to the doctor and hopefully find out that I’m still in good health.  Then I’ll deal with my burgeoning hypochondria.  If I’m not well, I’ll deal with it.

OK, so that’s my first light-hearted post.  Time for a run to burn off this anxiety.