I’ve lost my way. OK, that’s a bit dramatic, what I was planning to write was “I’ve lost my way writing.” Now that I look at it, its misleading. It somehow implies that I was on the right path, then began writing, and because of that writing I’ve lost my way. That is very confusing. And not true. What I meant to write was: I used to write fairly often, almost every day. Sometimes for an audience, sometimes the writing was not ready for an audience but I hoped it someday would be, and other times it was just for me. Either way, I’ve stopped doing it in any regular fashion and for the past couple of months have been kicking myself, literally. (OK, I don’t meaning that I actually kicked my self, which of course would be a literal translation of that sentence, but rather that I have been figuratively kicking myself in regards to my writing or my creation of “literature” (Of course, that is fairly high minded, pompous even, as if to say that what I write could ever be considered literature) Rather, I meant that I have been attempting to motivate myself to start writing again.)
I’ve been kicking myself to do a lot of things. Getting my ass in shape for one – and that has been working. I’ve lost over 23 pounds in the past 8 months, went from a size 33/34 waist to a size 30. Of course I still have days of feeling fat and out of shape – which makes me wonder how much of that “feeling” is rooted in my mind and not in the reality of my weight. Which leads to what I’ve been trying to get at …
I’ve been trying to get my mind right. Not that my mind is wrong but as you may have noticed my mind is confused, unfocused, somewhat fearful but surprisingly bold, perhaps witty or at least juvenile. “How have you been trying to get your mind right” you may be asking me – Buddhism. I’ve been reading up on the subject for the past few months and I am intrigued. More than intrigued, I have found that when I try to be “awake,” especially when I get into a practice of meditating on a daily basis, I feel happier. I know, I know, I “shouldn’t” say “happier” but it’s the best I word I can use to describe how I feel. Perhaps its better to say the following: “when I focus on being awake, when I take the time to be present, when I incorporate a daily practice of meditation, and when I attempt to no longer judge but to merely experience, I am clearer.”
I am currently reading “Buddhism Plain & Simple” by Steve Hagen. As with some of the other books I’ve read (or are in the middle of reading) on the subject, notably Pema Chodron’s “No Time To Lose,” I am fascinated. I want to make sure that I allow the information to sink in and the best way for me to do that is to read actively. So (yes, I’m finally getting to the point) I figure I’d blog about what I am reading. Perhaps include some thoughts about what I’m reading, some reflections. I figure this will not only help me learn, but also get me back into the practice of writing on a more regular basis. As a bonus, if anyone decides to read this blog, it may compel them to find these books and see for themselves.
So perhaps that may serve as an introduction to the next couple blogs. Perhaps it won’t. But I feel better for writing it. And that’s all that really matters, isn’t it?