Thanks to the new iPhone app (http://uk.reuters.com/article/2011/02/07/us-technology-app-confessions-idUKTRE7165U420110207), confession is a much easier process. Not only does it help me practice confession at home, but I took it with me into the confessional booth and it was very helpful. Here’s how it went:
Forgive me father for I have sunned.
Oh, sorry, I read that wrong, “Forgive me father for I have sinned,” yeah that makes more sense, I have the text on such a small font on here it’s hard to read it, I think if I just click on this settings … what? You’re right, I’m sorry I’ll fix that later. Haha, I’m in confession and I just apologized for my confession. Does that count? Do I get like points for that? Oh, it doesn’t count? OK.
Yes, I’m reading and it’s … oh, I’m supposed to say this: “its been …. x number of years since my last confession.” What? Oh, crap, yeah … let me think … 12. It’s been 12 years since my last confession.
Why so long? Well, the long and short of it is that I lost my faith … my mom passed and I guess … well I just I lost my faith. Guess where it was? In a box with my old CD’s … who uses them anymore thanks to iTunes right!? Thanks Apple … again. Of course I’m kidding … No father, I did not leave my faith with my CD’s, I was making a joke. I can tell you don’t think its funny, do to the non-laughter echoing through the confessional screen. Wow tough room … I’m sorry. Again. Wow, let me just enter a note here on my App … “humor is a sin.” OK. So … what? Oh nothing.
Crap, OK, it’s not nothing, I just typed “humor is a sin” into my iPhone app. I shouldn’t lie in confession right? I know that it’s not really a sin … it’s not listed on the app as a sin … see? If I pull up the alphabetical list we have, yep, here are the “H’s” there’s heresy, hate … wow, hate’s a sin, OK, I guess I can see that … homosexuality. What! Really? It’s 2011 and this app is telling me -“homosexuality is a sin.” Excuse me father … it is a sin?! You are really telling me that? That’s your position, oh that’s the Church’s position?
Allow me to retort – that is horse shit. Oh that’s offensive? You find my saying your position on homosexuality is HORSE SHIT offensive? Horse shit is a noun, it’s an object, it’s an actual thing, it comes from horses and according to your teachings, in spite of SCIENCE, God made horses and horses make horse shit and thus God made horse shit so ipso facto: not a sin. Fair enough?
“What the hell am I doing?” you ask. I am having a discussion with you. No I’m not “ranting.” Why is it a sin to rant? It is? OK, no, then this isn’t a rant, what I’m doing is comparing your ignorant allegation – “homosexuality is a sin,” to horse excrement. It makes sense …stick with me here … wait, no don’t go, wait, WAIT! If I spent years listening to your whole “we are actually transforming this host into the body of Christ and this wine into the blood of Christ and you are going to eat and drink this and it’s not symbolic and no you are neither cannibals nor vampires” then you can listen to this little rant. OK? (notice I didn’t even bring up the whole “virgin” issue, you’re welcome). So here it is, allow me to explain why your “homosexuality is a sin” claim is horse shit.
Shit is the waste product your body doesn’t need. We eat, our body takes out all the vitamins and minerals and deliciousness it needs and what is left over is the waste which is pooped out. That’s shit. We don’t need it. It get’s ejected. We show it the door, the back door actually. And your “homosexuality is a sin” yeah, that’s excrement. It’s all the hate and fear and lack of compassion and judgment that our bodies can’t use for anything productive. So it comes out. As shit. It’s ugly, it’s unpleasant and it stinks. To heaven.
“Why Horse shit?” Good question. In my opinion, anyone who allows the phrase “homosexuality is a sin” to come out of their mouth is a horse’s ass. So, horse shit. TA -DAA!!!
I know I probably mixed some metaphors and I’m taking leaps and I’m getting off track but those aren’t sins are they? Well, not according to my iPhone app … wait, look at that “mixing metaphors” is a sin. Did not know that.Wow. So is “insulting a priest,” let me mark that off and “questioning the Church” wow that’s a real big one, it’s in all caps and it has a star next to it … kind of looks like the star of David that’s ironic isn’t it? Oh no, it looks more like a Pentagram … I’m kidding. Kind of.
I’m sorry, father, I came here to confess not to get into a whole diatribe about the Church’s stand on homosexuality. Let’s just move on. Right. Let’s end this debate before it grows into a fully fledged fight here. Let’s just abort that thing before it gets too … ooh let’s look up abortion I bet that’s a big one on here, I’ll just scroll up to the “A’s” and … CRAP! My iPhone just locked up … hold on a second. I hate it when it does this. Totally froze up, just when I tried to .. GOD I HATE THIS PHONE … you see those commercials where people are just breezing through those apps while some hip and catchy music plays in the background and all the while their nimble little fingers jump around from Google Maps to YELP to making a phone call to texting as gracefully as little ballerinas and all in a matter of seconds, milliseconds. Do you know how long that actually takes? Neither do I, BECAUSE IT NEVER HAPPENS. My iPhone locks up all the time, much like it’s doing now and sometimes I just want to break this stupid freaking … OH, there it goes. Back to normal.
Oh, it’s giving me my penance. Wow, it beat you to the punch father, here it is: my iPhone is telling me that my penance is to “burn in eternal hellfire.” Ha. Wow. OK then. Thanks. Looks like I’m heading back to Los Angeles.