Here’s to the Manure

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February 21, 2017

“Oh I’m going to write. Every day. Erry Day. Erry Damn Day!” And I did for a while. I fell off the horse. That’s not true. I didn’t fall off the horse. I pulled the horse over to stop for a spell. To grab a drink. Something to eat. And look, there was a comfortable couch, a tv with Netflix and, wait, what … an Xbox One S? I got off the horse and kept choosing to not get on the horse. Day after day after day after day. And the poor horse, just outside, waiting, getting lonely, bored, hungry. Shitting all over the place.

And why? So many reasons. Tired. Lazy. Maybe. Undisciplined. Scared. Scared? Of what, of the horse? There’s that thing, and I’m sure if we were to go through the pages and pages of stuff I’ve written, half written, mused upon there’s a lot of “why do I write .. no one cares. NO ONE CARES.” And that might be true. And that doesn’t matter. All that matters is “do I care?” And I do. So why not do it? Heck, I wish I could lose 15 pounds. I always wish I could lose 15 lbs. But I don’t always do it, I almost never do it. So there. Why? Lazy? Not enough time? Too many other things? Maybe. All excuses really. Maybe it’s this .. I don’t want to do it enough than not do it. I don’t want to do it more than I want to do other things.

So here I am again. Trying again. And that’s ok. To start a habit. To write. And why? Well, yeah, I just wrote it up there, but there’s other reasons. And this one may the best. I just spoke at a high school career day, I spoke to two classrooms full of generally uninterested students. That’s not fair, I don’t know that they were uninterested as students, they didn’t seem to be particularly interested in hearing from an actor they’ve never heard of. But a few did. A few did and that was pretty grand. But I told the students, the kids, the future – our future, that one thing they should all do is write. Write. Erry day. For yourself. Get your ideas on paper or on the screen. Exercise your brain, your imagination. And I believe this, with all my heart. Just as I believe we should all be in therapy, that we should always be kind, that we should engage in some kind of physical activity – I don’t always take my own advice, of course. And as I was saying to the second class, “write, every day, exercise your imagination” I thought – why don’t you? Cause I miss it. I do. I’ve said it time and time again that when I was writing every day, and there have been periods of months, maybe a year at a time, when I wrote something every day, I was better. Like meditation. I want to do it. I need to do it. I don’t always make time. And I don’t have to make the time, I don’t even have to find the time I just have to claim the time for it. Take it away from looking at glimpses of our doomed future on twitter, or flashy pictures of other peoples lives on instagram, or playing as Geralt the Witcher in Witcher III on my xbox. I make these choices to escape through other mediums instead of doubling down, investigating, escaping reality via my own imagination. And sure, playing a video game or watching a movie or tv show is not without the employ of my own imagination, and I won’t vilify the act because I think it has value. But I can and should make time to write. To explore. To exercise the muscle of my mind, my imagination, my heart, my fingers on the keyboard.

So here I am. I’ve wittled out a couple of minutes before I go to my day job. It’s not a lot, buty it’s something. And I’m just tapping away on the keyboard about how I feel, about what I think on this subject. And it’s kind of fun. It’s like talking to myself without the stigma of seeming insane. Having a conversation with myself, allowing me to suss out the “why” and “how comes” and “why nots” of writing.

So here’s to me making a habit of this today. And I’m gonna try and not get caught up in the “should this be a blog?” or “should this have a point?” or “should I be focused on maybe finishing the DEAD DOG PARK outline or the Beatrice story or any other number of things. Right now, or write now I’m going to focus on just tapping out the keys. Get back into it. See what happens. Maybe I’ll finish writing that song I started writing while at the McCarter. I hope I do. Maybe I’ll finish the outline of DEAD DOG PARK just to finish it. Beatrice … I hope so. There’s something about that story that begs me to finish it. Even just for me. Just to see where it goes. How it ends. And you know, that’s the problem. One of the problems. So much focus on how it’s going to end. I abandon a lot of writing because I get caught up in where it may be going, because I don’t see a clear path to an end, it get’s complicated, the ideas obscured. It’s very much that focus on the next instead of the now that fetters me in life and in creative endeavors. Not all the time, mind you, sometimes I can just be in the moment, in the now, to be in the flow of things. To enjoy the messy madness of it all. The beauty of it. The unpredictability of it. The sense of nonsense. The beginnings. The magic of the sprawling mess. I suppose sometimes you have to create the mountain before you can mine the diamonds. That’s awful. That’s something that in my mind seemed profound. But now, just to look at it … “sometimes you have to create the mountain before you can mine the diamonds” … I’m gonna leave it there. It takes manure to grow a flower. Maybe that’s it. Here’s to the manure.

 

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